be cat: Inside the mind of a bunch of cats
by Milesperhour
Summary: This is the story of how Pouncival and Tantomile got together, a comedy told primarily from the perspective of Pouncival, Tumblebrutus, Tantomile & Coricopat, with the word 'be' and bold letters used to denote whose thoughts are being read at what time. It's weird! Hooray! [COMPLETE]
1. Chapter 1: The Walk

**be cat**

This story is somewhat inspired by the world of text-based adventures, where you would type a command to do something. The word 'be' and a name seems to convey character quite well. It allows this story to be told from a first-person perspective, whilst also allowing me to switch between characters sharply without breaking the story's flow.

Or, in short:

**be Tumblebrutus**

Wow. It feels good to get a moment to talk. It feels like i've spent a lifetime listening to my brother rabbit on and on. You won't get that level of excitability from me though. Frankly, you'll be lucky if I don't spend half of this story asleep.

Or doing backflips. Either is a distinct possibility.

Picture the scene – the night fell a few hours ago. I am stood wearing a wry smile with my bedroom's door only slightly ajar. My parents are almost definitely -not- asleep. That I can be confident of, as I can hear their murmurings downstairs. Tonight, I intend to escape the clutches of my vile, insistent bed-time and take my brother to visit a couple of interesting cats. I worry about him sometimes. He is hardly a moment younger than myself and yet I feel a hundred years more mature. I would question whether something happened to him when he was younger, but knowing his luck it would turn out to be something amazing and happy and full of colours or something, and ever since then he's just been full of magic and wonder. I imagine that is the kind of thing he would say.

My primary concern is that he doesn't seem to speak much anymore. He just thinks everything.

No matter. Time for my daring escape, of which I expect no difficulties. Using skill and grace far exceeding my comparatively few years on this planet I slide down the banister, not creating a singular sound as I hop from my slide into a slick forward roll and cartwheel out of the door, leaving no trace that I was ever there. My poise and excellence is unparalleled, and I look forward to this evening's venture. Though I may have knocked over something on the way out. Nah. Doubt it.

Now, to wait for my brother to join me.

**be Pouncival**

RAINBOWS, am I right? I mean, seriously. Have you ever just _looked _at a rainbow? They're crazy. Crazy _beautfiul _that is! Not that this has any bearing on my current situation considering the fact that it's very much night-time and i've just heard my brother leaving the house all super-stealthy-like! Gosh i'm so excited. I love sneaking out. I'm such a sneak! Not sneaky I mean i'd never do anything sneaky just maybe sneaking out this one time because it seems a good idea okay wait breathe.

...

Okay, i'll give you a brief update, what I just did there was panic a bit and decide the best way to get out of my room was through the window. In hindsight, it wasn't my best decision. The bad news is I jumped out through it without a care for my own safety. The good news is my bedroom is on the ground floor.

The extra good news is that I landed on something soft as well! Although the extra bad news is that that something soft was my brother. But at least it was quieter than trying to go through the house and hey! I'm outside! Hooray! I'm so cool my Cat i'm so excited this is going to be so great! No seriously think about it for a second Tumbly is taking me somewhere and this is totally going to be amazing yes this is going to be the best evening and i'm going to remember it for ever and ever and ever and ever-

**be Skimbleshanks**

Apparently my children are under the quite wrong impression that they're in some way quiet or subtle. When they get back I must remember to tell them that sneaking out at night to visit a friend is not acceptable behaviour. I must also remember to explain this to them quietly and calmly.

_With a belt._

I would go after them but, you know, they're probably just going to be at a friends' house, right? It's not like they're stupid enough to leave the Junkyard. Probably. No, it'll be fine. Wherever they go, there'll be another adult present. And beside all that, this is my fifth 'drop' of scotch and i'm rather off my face.

Hic.

**be Pouncival**

-ever and ever and ever and-

**be Tumblebrutus**

"OH MY CAT GET OFF ME!"

Pouncival, mercifully, obliged. That cat is a menace. He spends ninety-five percent of his time trapped in his own head, and the other five percent trying to get into Etcetera's pants. Not that she wears trousers, you understand, being a queen and all. Not that i'm trying to encourage gender roles of course! I mean, not that any of this matters anyway because being cats we don't wear any clothes at all and-

-you see, this is what Pouncival does to me. He sneaks me into his own world of nonsense and I find myself aimlessly wandering through my own inner thoughts. Well that's not me. Tumblebrutus is a cat of integrity and strong wills. Tonight, we are going to visit none other than Tantomile and Coricopat. Why? Simple.

I am now convinced that there's something weird going on in Pouncival's brain.

Now before you jump on me about this being a mean thing to say about one's own brother, hey, I get it. Generally we shouldn't be mean about those around us, even if they get on our collective nerves so much it makes us (me) want to scream (backflip). He's clearly gone wrong somewhere. I mean, who jumps out of a window? _Especially if that window is on the ground floor_. The tom just starts going on about insane things like rainbows and unicorns without any provocation. Maybe he was dropped on his head as a kitten. Maybe he attempted a backflip and landed on his head. Maybe-

Actually, you know what? I'm totally going to do a backflip right now.

**be Pouncival**

UNICORNS, right? Especially the really colourful ones! Imagine a unicorn with RAINBOWS FOR HAIR? Right? RIGH-

Woah. Did Tumbly just do a backflip?

Anyway. Pouncy checking in for duty. Or Pounci. I've never known how to think my own name. It's odd that it's even up for debate really. I mean, Tumbly is Tumbly. No way is he Tumbli. That just looks like a brand name. Oh wait. No. I've just ruined Tumbly. Even that looks like a brand name now! Oh Cat! All I can think of is his name on detergent and washing-up liquid, not that I have any real grasp of what either of those two things are! Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh-

**be 'Tumbly'**

Amazing backflip. 10/10 for execution, style and grace. I am a suave son of a gun.

We haven't been walking for too long, but we're basically here. The twins have never lived in a particularly picturesque area. The outside of their abode, a thing that I can only describe as a serious series of stacked boxes under cover of various plastics and what-do-you-call-its, is simplistic. They haven't bothered doing anything to the outside and you wouldn't be surprised if it was derelict. Empty. But I know for a fact that it isn't.

There's not too much to distract you from the surroundings. The area is quiet and unassuming. The only thing that really makes this the twins' place for certain is the air. The air is... lighter. Softer. Quieter.

...quiltier. The air definitely tastes quilty. It tastes as if it had the texture of a minty quilt. I appreciate the oddity in that sentence and apologise for it, but it is hard to wrap one's head around what kind of spells and witchcraft they must toy around with so often to get the air to be quite so textured and-

-actually this isn't the place. This air is _too_ _quilty._

We shall manouevre ourselves somewhat to the right and advance through this mess of junk, past the tyre and into this secluded area. A few more pawsteps, and we'll be at our destination. Hopefully Tantomile or Coricopat can take a look inside Pouncival's head and work out what the hell is going on in there... and maybe straighten a few strands out to make him more conversational. I feel like we haven't said a word to each other all night.

Just what could possibly be going on in that head of his? He looks so concerned.

**be Pouncival**

oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god A CAT CANNOT BE NAMED TUMBLI OR TUMBLY NEITHER WORKS I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO CALL HIM TUMBLE FOREVER NOW.

Actually, Tumble isn't so bad at all. I'm not sure why I made such a big deal out of it, really.

Oh look, we're here.

This chapter is the first of five or six, which I have planned out in the hope the story might progress slightly faster than it usually does in my writings. Hopefully it might be received positively and I shall look into more chapters. No doubt it's weird as all hell, but hopefully it made a few people chuckle. If you are one such person, please feel obliged to drop a few words about what you felt worked, and what you felt didn't. It's the only way i'll learn.

Ta! x ktm


	2. Chapter 2: The Twins

I'm getting more and more confident that this bit at the top of a story is really not very necessary, but now it's sort of become one of those things. So i'm kinda stuck doing it. Oh well.

As the story picks up, Pouncival and Tumblebrutus have just walked their way across the 'yard to Tantomile and Coricopat's. Expect little exposition, I seem to do things quite slowly. This story is written in the first-person perspective, with the phrase 'be cat' in bold above whose thoughts you're looking at. Enjoy.

**be Tumblebrutus**

I'm pretty sure this is the place. The home of the twins (is that meant to have a capital? I'm not sure. Let's go with it). The Twins' abode. This place looks kind of like somewhere you'd really not want to be. It _smells _haunted. I mean, I know ghosts probably aren't real, but that thought doesn't prevent other thoughts from entering my brain. Thoughts like, _run. _And _hide. _And _don't start sentences with 'and'_. You've got to watch out for those grammar thoughts.

Hah.

That was exactly the kind of joke that Pouncival would have enjoyed. Needless to say, it's also exactly the kind of thing that he wouldn't have paid much attention to. For a while now, he's not been paying all that much attention to what i've said out loud. We hardly actually speak to each other anymore, regularly he's lost in his own little world and it's quite difficult for me to get through to him.

Hell, I wonder what he's thinking right now...

**be Pouncival**

_I'm... so... pretty! So pretty! Oh so pretty and witty and gay! I'm so pretty..._

**be Tumblebrutus**

...probably something stupid about a concept he doesn't have any right knowing about.

Nonetheless, I don't suppose anyone would think any less of me knowing I held his paw as we came up to the door. Because he would be scared, of course. Definitely not me. I'm too serious to be scared.

I hammered on the door a few times, this sort of make-shift home-made thing. A little background – what I was staring at, where the Twins make their home, is a two-storey set of cardboard boxes more or less covered with tarp. I guess to keep the rain out. They've weighted it down at the edges so as to make sure it stays in place, but this entryway in front of me is very unusual. It's as if they'd sliced through the cardboard, but then sealed it shut somehow.

Either way, it opened. And there was Coricopat, standing in front of me. I guess i'm kind of nervous right now, so you'll forgive me for squeezing Pouncival's paw a little bit as I spoke up: "We're here to see you..."

**be Coricopat**

Okay, first things first – we made the den with _magic. _Totally magicked down the sides, together the cardboard, the door, everything. All done with some epic magic.

Second things second, I can read minds. Like, _read minds_. And you know what? The moment any dudes come near our den, i'm totally mind-reading the heck out of them. So I know why they're here. And I can probably even deal with them myself; Tantomile is currently busy (aka, asleep) so I might just take a stab at Pouncival's mind. If that really is a big deal.

Having said that, I have just been focussing on Tumblebrutus because his thoughts seem to be a lot more cognitive. "Come on inside, sit beside the fire", I say with an internal smirk. Yeah, there's totally a fire in our den. #yolo, am I right?

Sorry. I've spent the vast majority of today helping Etcy, I mean Etcetera, with some memory techniques. Perhaps I spent a little bit too long in her head and i've picked up some of her phrases. Whatevs.

I usher the two toms inside and shut the door behind them. _With magic. _As I follow them towards the fire (that is self-contained and doesn't set other things on fire because of_ REASONS (#magic)), _I consider exactly what is going through Pouncival's mind right now. As I sit, I open my mind and listen.

**be Pouncival**

_...for i'm loved, by a pretty wonderful boy!_

Not that I am. I mean, I could be. It's none of my concern if a pretty wonderful boy loves me, deffo not something i'd have any control over. I definitely don't find myself currently in love with a pretty wonderful boy anyhow, but what i'm saying is that i'm not in charge of other cats' emotions and if there just so happens to be a pretty wonderful boy out there who loves me then that would actually be awesome I mean I don't think i'm gay so that wouldn't be something I could act on but generally speaking the feeling of being loved is enough to make you feel pretty darn good and

**be Tantomile**

'Oh my Cat shut up shut up shut up whoever is thinking so loudly I would really appreciate some peace and quiet right about now!' Tantomile thought, allowing herself to roll from her cushion in front of the fire. She had been so enjoying her sleep, her eyes fluttering as she rose to her feet. Footpaws daintly pressed upon the rug as she stood, her fur glistening in front of the mild flames.

Tantomile liked to think in third-person. She regularly referred to herself in this way in her own head, feeling that it made her life a lot more manageable. Usually that was Coricopat's trick too, but today his mind had become poisoned by the thoughts of a young kitten, filled to the brim with nonsense concerning birds tweeting and other such idiocies. No matter. She would have to do this one herself, most likely.

"Cori, darling, would you like to lie down in my place?" She had been sleeping directly in front of the other two cats, after all. They were all now together in this living room ahead of the fireplace, and Tantomile was getting somewhat restless. "You look exhausted. I suspect that the mind of another kitten might cause you to further ramble about interesting pins, circles of googles and books made of faces. I believe you need a rest."

**be Coricopat**

#betrayal. I can't believe Tanta is making me look so silly in front of these other cats. Sure, Tumbly and Pounci are only kittens, but... oh crap it's getting worse. #sleepneeded.

"You're right Tantomile22. I need to lie down."

I proceeded to walk past her and collapse forward onto the cushion, curling myself into a tight ball and shutting my eyes. My brain is going wonky. This Etcy thinks about weird things and I definitely need to stop before I have a #LifeChangingMoment #MyLifeIsAverage.

**be Tumblebrutus**

"I don't want to make a big deal out of this or anything, but I really don't know what is going on here and i'd appreciate it thoroughly if we could, like, just fix Pouncival because he doesn't seem to be working properly."

I flashed my brother a smirk and he smiled back. I guess he heard that. I must admit, I was feeling a little bit hesitant at this point, but no sooner had the thought flushed through my head that Tantomile was on her feet, guiding us to a different room entirely. We strolled through what seemed to be a dining area, then up to a small room. A very small room.

It just about fit us all in, but it was tight. Not least because of the table between us.

I guess I would describe the room as looking like something you'd see in a dream moments before it turned into a nightmare. The walls were.. purple? No, pink? Wow, colours are hard! The walls were there, though. This table between us, imagine like a small desk. Just enough to put everyone's paws on, then it would be taken up. And it was only _just _off the floor. We both sat on one side of it, awkward as we squished against one another, with Tantomile sat on the opposite side.

I wasn't particularly comfortable with any of it. Least of all practically squishing against my brother. I imagine he- oh, what the hell, is he _nuzzling _me?

**be Pouncival**

_Ohhhhhhh, Tumble. Tumble. Tumble you're so warrrmmmmm! Tumble. Tumble. Tumble you're so snugglllyyy!_

That used to rhyme better when I called him Tumbly but I try not to think about that anymore because it doesn't make any sense and i'm trying not to get worked up again. Be calm. That's what i'm good at. People call me Dr. Calm. They say, Hey, Who's That Calm Kid? All capitalised, like that. People speak in capital letters sometimes, when they pronounce things weird and pointily. You know when words feel pointy? Cats can do that. I'm sure of it.

I can't be the only one who thinks words can feel pointy. That would be such a _drag!_

Speaking of drags, that was a pretty mean joke Tumble made earlier. I smiled at him because that's what brothers do, but I need to remember to tell him that he needs to stop being mean. This is an adventure, gosh darn it! There needs to be more adventuring! Although, come to think of it, as adventures go being squished up against my brother (which I love, oh wow he is so warm, what feeling, very enjoyable) isn't the best definition of one. So we need to work out why we're here. Easy. I can do that. I just need to use my brain!

So i'm looking at Tantomile. She's looking at me. Immediately i'm thinking, it's on. It's so on. That's the _real _reason Tumble brought me here! Of course! It makes so much sense now! Tanta and Cori are brother and sister, right? So clearly they need mates. Tumble's thinking of setting me up with this beautiful lady sat in front of me... _nice_.

It all makes so much sense! I'm not stupid. For quite some time now, Tumble has been trying to set me up with people. He made me meet Jenny that one time, and I had to talk to her about feelings and stuff. I didn't end up saying much but she was really kind and hey, a lovely person, probably not my type, but you've got to love the effort.

Now this Tantomile... what a 'coincidence' that she 'suddenly' 'woke' 'up' just in time to invite us into this small and cosy room. No Cori, just Tumble here for moral support. He is a Good. Brother. I'll have to remember to tell him he's the best sometime but right now, it's time for me to get my game on. I can totally do this. Okay. I'm psyched up for this. My whole life was meant for this. She seems to be looking at Tumble a little bit at the moment rather than me, so i'll take the opportunity to glance her up and down.

Oh crap she turned her head. Did she see me checking her out? Maybe. Possibly. I probably got away with it actually – yeah, no, yeah totally. But damn, she is _fine_. This is one sexy lady right here in front of me! I'm going to turn on my charm and win her heart, maybe we could be together forever or something awesome like that! Okay, time to use my line. The line i've been cooking up for years. The one that'll work for definitely because it's true and nobody can resist me anyway because i'm so charming so here it goes, this is going to be awesome...

"Hey, you're really pretty."

**be Tantomile**

"Wh- I- I mean- what?"

Tantomile was lost for okay you know what? I'm going first person here. This isn't the time for any of my trademark ultra-eloquent Tantomile third person thoughts. I suspect I may have spent too long looking into what Tumblebrutus was thinking, because by the time i'd eventually turned to face Pouncival, he appeared to be gawking at my chest. Which really isn't the most endearing thing anyone has ever done.

I'm really not sure how this happened. I'm lost for words. Genuinely. By the time i'd linked to Pouncival's mind, all he was thinking about was sounding charming and 'cooking up lines'. Of all the things I expected him to say, what he said, I mean, I...

Gosh, am I feeling flustered? Am I... embarassed? Am I blushing? No wait.

Stop.

Literally stop.

Am I blushing right now?

I pause for a moment, draw in a deep breath, glance at Pouncival and giggle.

Oh christ did I just giggle?

GIGGLE?

**be Coricopat**

...did Tantomile just giggle?

As ever, i'm grateful (greatful? I'm either full of 'great's or i'm full of grates. Neither sounds appealing) for any feedback! If you tittered, drop a review and please definitely let me know which parts you actually found funny – that way I know what to do more of next time!

Thanks x ktm


	3. Chapter 3: The Awkwardness

Cats. No original characters because i'm creatively simple. Written from first-person perspective of varying characters. Ever wanted to know what it's like in various cats' respective heads? Well, here. This is what I think.

Where we were: Tantomile is sat, cross-legged in a small room. On the other side are Tumblebrutus and Pouncival, squished together just a little bit (a lot). A small, low table seperates them. Coricopat sleeps downstairs.

Now then, back to the story...

**be Tantomile**

I'm kind of upset right now.

Not upset in a sad way, that would be preposterous. Sadness is rather unnecessary; I always considered any large external emotion to be a bit pointless in that sense. Wide smiles or large frowns just seem utterly wasteful when one needs to conserve so much energy for telepathy. No, this upset is more noting that I am simply not current at a norm. Instead, I find myself feeling quite outside of what I would call normal. Normal for me, at least.

Something unusual just happened. Something that I can't recall previously happening. For reasons currently unknown, I am not current in a state of normality. By which I mean I do know – at least, I know most of the story. The result, for example, of this abnormality is simple - for all intents and purposes, I giggled.

I also blushed.

Now, these results are wildly unusual. If I were a scientist, I would quickly jump to the evaluation and note that all my results were anomalous and as such any conclusion would be incorrect. What I am trying to ascertain, far more importantly, is exactly _why_ did I involuntarily make a small, sharp giggling sound?

And even that isn't technically correct! I mean, I know _why. _Pouncival, a tom who really couldn't be much older than sixteen, just (completely out of nowhere) called me _pretty. _No, wait, scratch that. He called me _really pretty_. Not beautiful. Not one of those words that can have a double-meaning. There was no thinly veiled joke. There was no sarcasm. There was nothing to indicate it was anything other than a direct, on-the-nose compliment.

And it's been so long since someone's looked at me and seen something attractive.

Is that the reason? Is that why his words had a physical impact upon me? Why else would I suddenly feel flustered by something a _kitten _might say? Or is he even a kitten? I don't know. Where is the cut off point for kitten and adult? He's definitely not an adult. I'm confident of that. I mean, I...

Oh, great. I have become acutely aware that I am now breathing heavily. _Marvellous._

**be Pouncival**

Oh. My. Days! I just said something right! Definitely! I mean, probably. I actually made a queen giggle. Giggle! And blush! What were the chances, am I right? I betcha everyone came into this thinking, 'oh Pouncy, you silly tom, what are your chances of finding a queen?' Well, I bet you all have eggs on your faces now! My best brother ever has just set me up with one and I couldn't be happier no good sir, I could not. I'm in a metaphorical blender of happiness, turning into a good times milkshake with two dollops of strawberry ice cream.

Okay, maybe I might be getting a little bit ahead of myself. Breathe, Pouncy. Good things come to those who wait. I'm totally going to play this cool. Cool like Joe Cool. _I am Joseph Cool. _Wearing a technicolor coat of pure, unbridled happiness. Each colour a different kind of ecstatic blissful thinking! It's like the Grace Kelly of raincoats! Close every door to me? More like, open every door to me and behind each one is Tantomile lookin' _fi-i-i-i-i-ine_, lookin' fine, fine, fine!

Right. I'm definitely not playing this one cool right now. And I need to play this one cool. I'm taking a deep breath, looking at Tantomile and smiling. That's all. Just a smile. Joseph-mother-freaking-Cool. Oh man, this must be how the Rum Tum Tugger feels.

**be Tumblebrutus**

How did this happen. I would normally diffuse this kind of situation with a back-flip, but this room is so cramped I don't think I could jump, let alone get the necessary air to pull off such a cool move. Instead, I tell myself that this is the kind of situation that can only be made better by sweeping statements and prayer that we can get things back on course. Whilst it's very nice that Pounce seems to suddenly want to hit on something, this whole thing really needs to get back on track.

"Tantomile, please ignore my brother. He's a little goofy," I say sweetly. Pounce glances at me as if I just slapped him in the face, but I really need some help here. A tomcat swooning over someone like Tantomile... I mean jeez, even _Pouncival _can do better. I need his head to get fixed! Not some kind of what's that noise that's coming towards the room and opening the door and oh my days get off me!

**be Coricopat**

Long story short, i'm currently holding Tumble by the scruff of his collar and dragging him out of the room, down through into our nice little living area and plonking him slap bang bingo in front of the fire.

"Nobody thinks about my sister that way. Got it, hombre?" I sit in front of him and fold my arms. "To quote a #idiot, 'even _Pouncival'_ yes, emphasis on Pouncival, 'can do better'? Just what in the blue hell is that to mean?"

I am pretty irked right about now. People dissing those I care about is basically one of my big no-nos. I'll give him a chance to explain himself, but i'm beginning to think I might have to take him all the way across the yard to his #DrunkFatherWhoRidesTrains before this gets out of hand. I mean, sure, you could argue that I shouldn't spend time reading minds when I should be sleeping, you could even argue that any kind of mild romance between Tanta and Pounce is likely to end badly...

But hell, if you insult my sister, _even in your own mind_, i'm going to be really irked. I would use ruder language but i'm definitely still under the influence of Etcy's brainbox and it's making me say things I wouldn't usually. Like 'irk'... and whatever this #MLIA thing is. Oh well.

**be Tumblebrutus**

Well, this isn't going to go well.

Wouldn't you rather check in on how Pouncival is doing? Let me get yelled at in peace? Please?

Thanks.

**be Pouncival**

What? Me? Oh, i'm just sat here still, smiling happily at Tantomile. Someone else would be pretty gosh darn worried after their brother was arbitrarily dragged out of a room in front of them but not me oh no i'm being Joe Cool. Yes. Joseph Coolius. It's important that I don't panic or worry about Tumble that will be fine. This will be fine. Everything will be fine. Tanta probably thinks i'm awesome because I totally am so I really don't have much to worry about i'll just keep on smiling and everything will be just fine yes sir i'm sure that there's no reason to-

**be Tantomile**

I HAVE LOTS TO SAY.

And I don't even mean think. I actually mean, _say_.

"Your brother thought something mean about me," I breathe slowly and try to calm myself down. Pouncival is sort of half-smiling now, his left eye appears to be almost twitching and he looks as if he's about to have a stroke. "So Cori took him away from here for a little while to leave us alone."

I breathe in deeply again. That little... tom, Tumblebrutus... did he forget that I can read minds? Because, that's basically my whole thing. And what does that mean, anyway? Even _Pouncival _can do better? That's insulting the both of us! There's no reason for us not to... I mean... oh for gosh' sake. Has it been so long since I felt the affection of another tom that a kitten calling me pretty actually makes me feel something other than a maternal affection? This is utterly, utterly wrong. I must know this tom's age this instance.

"But forget about him for now. Pouncival, tell me three things - how old are you, how sure are you, and why do you think i'm 'pretty'?"

Well that last one just snuck in there without my approval. I shall make a mental note to berate myself later.

**be Pouncival**

"Nineteen."

I breath a sigh of relief that Tumble is okay. Things probably could have been- hold on wait a minute hold the phone stop the presses. What were those questions. Did I hear them right. What is going on. Oh wow I might hyperventilate this is all too much for me I can't-

NO.

I AM JOSEPH POUNCIVAL COOL.

I smile softly and tilt my head to the side. I refuse to allow myself to go on one of my fun but misguided mind-field-trips when there's an opportunity to connect with someone right in front of me. It would be far too easy to let this pass me by. Pouncival would let this pass him by. Joe Pouncival Cool, on the other hand, would make an effort and try to make this work.

"I'm very sure. Tumble is slightly younger than me but he acts older so I call him my older brother even though that's not true. It may seem weird that we live with our dad still, but that's just the way our family works."

I am feeling confident. She seems to be lighting up to my responses – seriously, Tanta's face went from serious frown to beaming smile and i'm not even joking. She is legitimately smiling! It is so on. You know the phrase, 'smiles are infectious'? Well, this is pretty much a prime example of that phrase laying the smacketh down on my mind because the smile on my face is so plastered on it's like JOE COOL COME ON POUNCY YOU CAN DO THIS.

I breathe slowly. I am capable of this. Focus, dude.

"I think you're pretty because when I look at you it's like looking at happiness."

I don't know what that meant. As such, I decide to save it by deflecting.

"Same questions pointed at you."

**be Tantomile**

Is it mean to read someone's mind when they're trying this hard? It's kind of endearing, actually. Yes, I am smiling. That's not so surprising, surely. Earlier I stated that I don't do exaggerated beaming smiles, sure, but I never said that I never smile. This tom sat in front of me is really trying to impress me! His internal monologue is like nothing i've ever heard before, he's racing at a hundred miles a minute, yet apparently desperately attempting to calm himself – just to impress me?

If someone did that for you, you'd smile so big it could carry water. So cut me some slack. Besides all that, his facts are fascinating. A nineteen-year-old? He looks sixteen for definite. But at least I can entertain the possibility of... no. Come on Tanta. Calm yourself. And... well, his reasoning for appearing young makes some sense, I suppose? Living with parents creates a certain something especially considering i'm sure he has a bedtime and WAIT.

When he looks at me.

It's like looking at.

Happiness.

...is that the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me? Quite possibly. Yet it is also a contender for the most stupid thing that anyone has ever said to me, so it's hard to pick sides here.

I'm blushing again. That much is for definite.

"I'm thirty," I say quietly. I don't think there's any real purpose in lying. "And I know that because i'm good at counting." Good at counting? What kind of a thing to say is that? This tom should by all rights think i'm an absolute idiot right now and yet he's still sat there, smiling goofily. And all the while I appear to find this endearing.

What was the third question? Right. I remember.

"And you're pretty because..." I look down. What am I saying? I don't know. Can a tom even be classed as 'pretty'? Or is that something exclusive to queens? I suppose i've started so i'm destined to finish, even if I don't have anything incredible to say.

"You're pretty because you say things that make me feel things."

If I die right now, those will be my last words. And i'm not a hundred percent sure if that was stupid or just plain sad. Why am I interested in this tom? It was hardly any time ago at all that I was sleeping, that I made the arbitrary decision to take Cori's place here. What did I expect? Two toms with very simple problems. Instead I get one tom who clearly has a number of extraordinarily problems that are in desperate need of some attention and explanation, yet instead of helping him I find myself falling to flattery and staring oh my gosh i'm staring i've become aware that i'm just staring-

**be Pouncival**

"Please go out with me."

Joe. Pouncival. Cool.

**be Tantomile**

"I..."

"I mean, I..."

Pouncival just... he just... please help me... do I actually consider this? Or should I be a good mystic and look into what's going on in his head? I am blushing. I am almost shivering. I can feel a kind of cold sweat, my palms are clammy, knees weak, everything is telling me this is a big decision and I really need help making it...

* * *

...well? The lady is asking you, dear readers, to give her some advice. So please advise her!


	4. Chapter 4: The Holding of Paws

And the votes (a combination of reviews and Private Messages) are in. This story is getting more choose-your-own-adventure-y by the minute! I have decided to include a few of the thoughts in the story, so bear that in mind!

To recap, Pouncival had just asked out Tantomile in an impressively abrupt fashion. Tantomile asked for assistance, you all gave recommendations and here we are now...

* * *

**be Tantomile**

Spirit guides. I asked of you a very simple question – what should I do? I don't want to do anything foolish, I know that I shouldn't behave inappropriately when all I have as evidence of his age are his words. But still... I can't pretend that I am not tempted. Please, what should I do?

[user **pouncii **suggests: _I'd go out with Joseph Pouncival Cool. No hesitation. Because unffff_]

...interesting. I take what you're saying. The cat in front of me is definitely an attractive one. He has a pair of quite remarkable eyes, they're a type of mahogany brown. His fur is hardly a variety of colour at first glance, largely browns and blacks and whites... but when you look a little bit closer there are a host of other colours on show. That white is actually more of a silver, it almost glistens against the simple lighting of this room. The browns are in great variety and some seem more orange than anything else...

...am I rambling? Oh cat i'm staring. I quickly look down to divert my eyes from his physique.

[user **anon **suggests: _Didn't you say he was a kitten, though? Can you trust him that he's really 19?_]

A good counterpoint. I have my suspicions that he is not to be trusted on this point, although his mind is so clogged with thoughts about sugar, rainbows, unicorns and somebody called 'Joe Cool' that it's impossible to judge whether he was telling the truth or not. Though some might say that the things he thinks about really should confirm that he is not nineteen.

I want to believe him though, I really do. It has been too long since I had a tom show much interest in me, far too long. I think half the tribe seems to think that Coricopat and I are an item – _we are siblings_. Seriously. I don't know how much clearer I could be on that point. And just when I was getting comfortable in the thought that I might be sentenced to none other than the companionship of my brother for the rest of my life...

I don't mean that to sound sombre or angst-ridden, as though I was a teenage queen. I am most decidedly not. But I am very concerned that the tom sat opposite me is a teenage tom. I glance up at him once again. He is clearly trying rather hard to keep himself still, his thoughts are about as loose-weave as is conceivable and physically...

Look, I have already commented on this. This tom is both young and attractive. Should I just take his word for it? Surely I must. I could always conspire to ask his father or brother at a later date, perhaps tomorrow, in which case I could chalk up whatever I do tonight to wishful thinking. If it turns out that he lied to me, well... at least I tried.

[user **Paradox Predator **suggests: _Aw, let Tantomile go out with Pouncival. He's a nice guy and apparently she likes him_]

I didn't expect the spirit voices to be so opinionated.

But I agree. He _is _a nice guy... perhaps he's a little _eccentric _but who amongst us is not? And I _do _like him! This is all beginning to be quite straight-forward! I hadn't considered things from his perspective at all, but perhaps I am being too defensive here. If he wants to go out with me, why should I say no? And after all, we are just talking about 'going out' here. There was no mention of anything else.

A fleeting thought passes through my mind that I was supposed to be doing something important here to do with making Pouncival think a little more clearly and a little less as if his brain was about to explode with sugar crystals, but I dismiss it. I asked a silent prayer of my spirit guides and they provided me with an answer.

"Pouncival," I say quietly, glancing at the patch over his eye before putting my paws on the wooden table between us, allowing a smile to form on my cheeks.

"Whilst I cannot be certain that this is a very smart thing to say... yes. Yes I will go out with you."

**be Pouncival**

YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YES! YE-

OKAY BRAIN CALM DOWN STOP SPEAKING IN CAPITALS that's better.

I had no idea that being calm and collected would work so incredibly successfully like serious nobody ever told me when I was growing up that the way to make someone interested in you is to just stop being so goofy all the time. Tumble is a king amongst cats. He brought me here to hook me up with Tanta and now I have! Legend! Tumble made this happen – sure, he got himself kicked out for thinking stupid things but that's life! Sometimes you do stupid things, sometimes you get kicked out of places for those inappropriate actions. Just ask Hades.

I actually did something right for once and i'm struggling to believe that this incredibly hot queen in front of me actually said yes to me. This is like, one of the best days ever. This is better than when the Great Rumpus Cat saved the day. This is better than when Mistoffelees magicked Old Deuteronomy back. _This is better than when Daniel Bryan won the belts at WrestleMania._

Or something. I heard some humans talking about it and they seemed happy.

Noticing Tanta's paws on the table, I place mine beside hers and smile back. She's totally smiling at me. This is so awesome. I take a mental picture of her expression and consider my options, before deciding that the only thing for me to do now is keep being Joe Cool.

"I'm so glad you said that and it makes me so happy that I want to jump up and down-"

I cut myself off. These are not words that Joseph Pouncival Cool would say. Taking a deep breath and smiling widely, I move my paws to take hers in mine as I try again.

"I mean, i'm glad that oh wow your paws are really, like really extremely soft how is that even possible I mean what do you do use magic on them or something because i've never felt anyth-"

**be Tantomile**

"Breathe, Pouncival."

I cut him off. He takes a mild gasp and slowly tries to calm himself down. I try my level best to not consider the current situation that I find myself in, as it makes this whole thing a lot easier to understand if I simply try not to think about it too much.

I am sat very calmly in my den. There is a tom holding my paws. This is not uncommon. The fact that he is not my brother... okay, yes, is exceptionally uncommon. But if I simply focus on everything that is common then maybe I won't be freaked out by this and at least one of us can be calm. Because Pouncival is clearly failing quite dramatically at keeping himself together.

The table between us was once something I was happy for, but now it feels almost like a hindrance. Part of me wants to break it in half and tackle him to the ground, just to see what he would do. Does Pouncival even know what going out with someone would be like? What it might lead to? What kind of expectations does he actually have of this? Is he _stroking _my paws?

Yes, yes he is. Well, that's weird.

I readjust the way we're holding paws, trying to take his in mine without bluntly telling him that he needs to stop doing and saying weird things. I mean, did he genuinely just ask me if I used magic on my paws to make them feel soft? What kind of a thing to say is that? No, I did not. I obviously didn't use magic on my paws to make them feel soft for goodness' sake.

Wait – am I getting defensive? Why am I feeling _oh i've just realised_. There is another cat, who is not brother, holding my paws. It feels as though it's been forever.

And perhaps it has been. The last time a tom was looking at me with tender eyes like his... he would have been a kitten. A real, genuine, proper kitten. A six-year-old kitten. I shut my eyes and try not to think about that too much. Oh, why did this have to happen? Why is this actually happening to me? Has it been so long since a cat other than my brother showed me affection that I am actually freaking out about this?

Apparently so.

Pouncival's mind seems to be buzzing; _Ride of the Valkyries _appears to be running through his head. I take a deep breath and open my eyes again, resolving to outwardly make myself seem a lot more calm, as this current state won't help anyone. "I'm sorry," I apologise, taking to my feet and assisting Pouncival to his. "You asked me on a date. It would be very rude of me not to oblige immediately, especially considering I said 'yes'. Was there anywhere in particular that you wanted to go or anything you wanted to do?"

That would do. Get him talking and maybe I can quietly calm myself down in the mean-time.

**be Pouncival**

Duh-duh-duh-daaah-duh, duh-duh-duh-daaah-duh, duh-duh-duh-daaaaaaaaah-duh, duh-duh-duh-daaaaaaaah! I am so beside myself right now. Okay, so maybe the words that rolled out of my mouth weren't definitely the right ones but that isn't a big deal! She is totally interested in me and that's basically my number one priority right now. I can't believe i'm actually holding a queen's paws! I am totally the most awesome cat ever. Tugger look out, here comes Joseph Pouncival Cool, hombre!

You know what's even cooler? She totally started holding my paws. Sure, I held hers first, but then she totally took the initiative and squeezed my paws and this is going to be so awesome, i've never even kissed a queen before in like, a romantic way so this is going to be epic.

I get to my feet as Tanta does, keeping my eyes locked on hers. She is so pretty. I can't even decide on her eye colour, it's like a mix between amber and smiles. Like, big wide beaming smiles not dissimilar to the one on my face at the moment. Her fur is crazy, it's like someone made ice cream out of gorgeousness and catnip. I can't look away, it's intoxicating.

Okay, the date is happening now. Right now. As in, literally as these thoughts flicker through my head it is happening now okay don't panic don't go all 'Pouncival' on me, Pouncival. You have to focus your mindbox and be sure to do the correct things and not look like a complete idiot otherwise everything will stay as it is and you know you're not very happy with the way things are right now they're far too quiet.

I shake my head. Joseph Pouncival Cool would totally throw a curve-ball.

"I was hoping we could stay here and talk. I'd love to get to know you better."

As if I was ever any good at talking.

**be Tantomile**

Talk? Him? Me? Neither of us have been historically known for 'talking'. Perhaps he was making a joke, except his face looks so serious and happy that I can't be sure, and I can't read his mind because he's thinking of too many songs all at once and lots of other stupid things why is he making this so difficult for me?

Oh. I may have spent slightly too long in his head, I believe i'm starting to sound like him. I make a resolution to stop reading his thoughts for the time being and instead decide to find out about him the way other cats apparently do so. Through words. Perhaps this whole_ 'talking' _idea isn't so bad after all.

"Well, whatever the case we ought to leave this room. It's far too small and it's beginning to irk me."

_Definitely _too long in Pouncival's head. I release his paws and step past the table, slipping through the entry-way as I beckon for him to follow. We walk slowly through the hallway, saying very little and continuing through into the bedroom. "Not that you should get any fanciful ideas," I say with a small smile as I place myself down one of the many plush cushions that adorn the room, "but this is easily the most comfortable room in the den."

Now, what to talk about? What do I ask him? Hey, spirits, you've been good to me so far. Got any more ideas?

**be Pouncival**

I am totally in a queen's bedroom -do not freak out- seriously this is like what the hell. Talking is the most magic thing ever and I have a newfound respect for it.

But genuinely, this room is like, woah. There are so many cushions everywhere I don't think i've ever seen so many! When I was growing up, me and Tumble used to have to share a pillow to sleep on because we didn't have so many although in hindsight I wonder if we actually did have enough, but he was just scared of the VERY REAL monsters at night. Or maybe that was me.

I used to have these crazy nightmares. I don't get them so much anymore but when I was a kitten I could hardly ever sleep, most nights I would wake up feeling very distressed... actually, recently this has been happening again but this really is not the time to think about those kinds of things. Awesome, hot, attractive queen sat on cushion in front of me. I, Pouncival, cannot miss out on this kind of an opportunity. That would require a particular brand of stupid I do not currently possess.

I sit on the _oh so comfy _cushion just opposite Tanta and smile at her again. Who am I kidding? I haven't stopped smiling for quite some time now.

But... wait... this is the bit where i'm meant to say words, isn't it? I feel a choke in my throat. There are about ten billion thoughts all scrambled up in my head but I can't unscramble any of them! What do I say? What does anyone say in this situation? A little help, please?

* * *

SO! Both Tantomile and Pouncival are in need of your help. Please review or send a PM with suggestions for what they should say or do - would you have Pounce ask something serious? Stupid? Anything specific? Or would you have Tantomile do the same, or even perform an action, like moving in close..? Drop your thoughts into a review or PM and I will do my best to incorporate them. Thanks x ktm


	5. Chapter 5: The End

A quick note – a couple of the PMs said that putting the person's name who gave a suggestion looked jarring. So i've adapted it slightly to not attribute ideas to people. Let me know if you'd rather it the other way. Otherwise... the final chapter of 'be cat'!

* * *

**be Tantomile**

Okay, spirit voices. What have you got for me?

[spirit voice suggests: _Tell him you want to taste his blood_]

Woah there, Dracula. I am confident that that would be an inexplicably stupid thing to say for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I am not a vampire. Secondly, he is (probably) not into that kind of thing. And thirdly, this I cannot stress enough, that would be stupid.

So no, I shall not be telling Pouncival that I would like to taste his blood. Perhaps you could all take a good, long, hard look at yourselves whilst I try to fathom something to say to him myself. Perhaps if I am lucky, he might actually break the silence himself.

**be Pouncival**

Aaaargh. Why did I suggest that we talk? I can't talk. Saying words makes my head hurt because I always say just the stupidest of things and make an absolute idiot of me. I mean, myself. Whatever. Apparently now I make myself look like an idiot just by thinking wonky.

Clearly the best thing to do here is going to be to listen to the voices in my head and hope that one of them comes up with something half-decent. Because right now we're being about as loud as a nun whose taken an oath of silence as well as half a dozen horse tranquilizers to the face.

I'm getting nervous.

[voice in Pouncival's head suggests: _Why even say anything? Just kiss her_]

That... sounds... like... a... STUPID... idea.

I'm kinda hoping I can woo her? Like, maybe I can not be me for a little while and be someone else? Someone smart and suave and sophisticated and calm and cool, y'know, someone who isn't a freak like me.

Huh. Apparently when I get nervous I start trying to make myself feel sad. I'll try to be either more upbeat or less nervous, whichever comes first. Come on, voices in my head. Give me a good idea now...

[voice in Pouncival's head suggests: _kiss/grope her_]

...again, neither of those options are what Joe Cool would do. I'm pretty sure. Although i've never gotten this far with a queen before, so maybe that _is_ what Joseph Pouncival Cool would do! I mean – no, wait, that doesn't sound right. I don't think I should grope her. I think that would be stupid. Stupid like _me_.

**be Tantomile**

...no, I can't think of anything. And as I have resolved to not read his thoughts for the time being (they're making me sound like him, and the last thing we need is another cat in this house saying 'hashtag YOLO'), I have little choice but to rely on the spirit voices to give me good ideas.

Come on, spirits. You _totally _owe me.

[spirit voice suggests: _step 1) remove clothes, step 2) touch each other, step 3) profit_]

Are you all _high_?

For one thing, we don't wear clothes. For another, I can't conceive of a single way that either of the first two steps could logically lead to the third. How on earth could we profit from touching each other? Unless we charged people to watch, but who would want to see that?

Seriously now, spirit voices. All you've given me is vampirism and poor financial advice.

I'm going to listen to you again, but if your next piece of advice is equally flawed, I'll go back to trying to think of something to say myself.

[spirit voice suggests: _Tell Pouncival that he's beautiful and you want to rub his chest_]

That was so close to being a good idea. Right up until the part where touching someone without their consent is _literally the kind of thing that gets you kicked out of a tribe._ Besides all that, even the first part... I couldn't do it. Not because I don't want to, but because _how. _I don't do relationships. I haven't done relationships. I'm not in the kind of place where I could just tell someone that they're beautiful... even if it is kind of true...

NO. I can't say it. I'm sorry, spirit voices, but a 0-in-3 success rate is the kind of thing that makes people think i'm weird for listening to you all. I mean, what have you actually got to do with your lives other than give me advice? I would have thought you would be better at it.

I am going to try and think of something to say and ignore the fact that neither of us have said anything for about five minutes.

[spirit voice suggests: _KISS HIM_]

...seriously?

**be Pouncival**

[voice in Pouncival's head suggests: _KISS HER_]

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS STOP IT OTHERWISE I MIGHT JUST DO IT.

The silence has gone on too long. We haven't said anything for ages. I'm getting stressed out. My head is saying sad things at me some of the voices are even getting nasty why am I even here anyway? This isn't what I wanted not even close all I wanted was to be happy is that too much to ask? Where are all the unicorns and rainbows in my head right now seriously where have you all gone, it was my favourite wh-

I...

I don't...

**Wh...**

**Oh w...**

**THIS...**

**be Tantomile**

I should explain.

Moments ago, I reflected on another spirit voice giving me an instruction:

[spirit voice suggests: _Why won't you both just kiss and get it over with?_]

I followed your advice and kissed him.

You can't blame me. We'd been sat here for about ten minutes and not said anything. How can nothing happen for so long - what is this, Seinfeld?

He looked like he was getting agitated, I could feel it in his aura as well. There is probably something quite wrong with this tom, and that simply worries me, but it didn't stop me from following your capital lettered suggestion by shifting my body, leaning over and placing my lips on his.

I don't know how I did that. Truthfully, I do not know. Just saying something like 'you're attractive' seemed worlds away from my abilites, it still does, yet somehow I was able to overcome some fears by kissing him.

...I have a question. How long are kisses meant to go on for? This isn't my forte. And what do you do, exactly? Is this right? I've kind of got my eyes shut and my head angled a bit and our lips are just kind of touching. Am I supposed to press my tongue in his mouth? That seems awful. Actually wait.

This whole thing seems wrong.

What am I doing.

I can't actually be kissing him, yet I am. And the more I think about it, the more absolutely incorrect it seems. What started off as me I suppose trying to calm him down a bit just turned into something very, very wrong. I definitely shouldn't just kiss someone. I could get in so much trouble for this. They could kick me out the tribe for abusing someone. What if it turns out he is just a kitten? What if he's actually fifteen?

What have I done?

What am I still doing?

I jerk my head back suddenly and open my eyes swiftly, I am terrified, I am ju-

So-

Wa-

**what-**

**What-**

**WHAT.**

**be Pouncival**

I should explain.

[voice in Pouncival's head suggests: _I can't help but think of Pouncival going "I love you"_]

Yeah, that's basically what I said. By which I mean, almost exactly what I said.

I... don't know if that was the right thing to say. But i've never kissed someone before and, to quote a song i've never heard before in my life because i'm a cat and obviously don't keep up-to-date with current human popular trends, 'I kissed a girl and I liked it'. Though there was no cherry chapstick to speak of, whatever that means.

Her lips tasted like something. I'm not sure entirely what. Normally i'd say some kind of mix of flower petals and love or something nonsense like that, but in this case i'm honestly stumped. I don't know. Her lips were wet though, which I didn't expect. I always thought kissing would be a really dry thing, but actually it turns out it's quite a damp experience.

I lick my lips. Her taste is on my mouth. That sounds weird and creepy and distressing but it's just true.

What was that? Oh, you want to hear more about me telling Tantomile that I love her. Well, lucky you, I'm going to tell you (generous).

Like I said, I almost exactly said I love you. What I actually said was:

"I think i'm in love with you."

Which i'm pretty sure is quite different.

**be Tantomile**

[spirit voice suggests: _Tantomile should love it because I would_]

Well whoop-de-doo, spirit voice. I'm glad that you would love it if someone you hardly know and have basically never really ever spoken to told you that he loved you. Because I can guarantee pretty hard that it is a WEIRD THING TO SAY. I'm freaking out a bit here. I don't believe kissing him was the right thing to do, it made him say something crazy. This is not going well.

You don't get to dictate whether I like something or not. You can give me advice, sure, but you definitely have no right to-

wait.

I close my eyes.

I open my mind and look into his.

...

Pouncival is sick.

...

I open my eyes.

"Are you okay?" I ask, quietly. He responds by opening his eyes wide and appearing shocked.

"I am flattered that you would say such a thing, obviously I am. Nobody has ever said that to me before, perhaps my brother when he's been rolling in catnip, but never..."

I sigh. For the first time in what seemed like forever, I actually looked into some of the thoughts going through his mind. And peppered in amongst the happiness and nonsense were some seriously worrisome things.

"But I am concerned. I am terrified that I would be taking advantage of you to act on any such feelings..."

...

Bazinga.

I open my eyes.

He looks giddy as ever. It appears that I didn't actually say any of that. Phew. I mean, knowing that this was the last chapter, you must have gotten pretty worried that this was going to end all sad and sombre, huh spirit voices? Well, consider this payback for trying to make me ask Pouncival about sucking on his blood.

You know what I saw when I looked in his head? Happiness. Laughter. Backflips. Cartwheels. Springtime. You know what I felt?

_Happiness._

Apologies for the trick I pulled on you by making you think I said something hurtful and pointless. There's nothing wrong with him at all, he's magnificent. He's wonderful. He's beautiful. He makes my heart flutter and what he said to me was unreal. It was amazing, I was so ecstatic to hear it.

"I don't know how to respond to you telling me you love me, Pouncival."

I'm quite glad I said that rather than the other stuff. That would have been a terrible way to end this story.

Before he even has time to respond, I add an addendum.

"But... what I do know, is that if you'd like, I would really like to kiss you again right now because nobody has ever said anything as heartwarming and wonderful as what you just said to me and even if it turns out that you're not actually as old as you say you are that's okay we'll just run away together to Battersea I hear they have some great places to sleep and anyway I just-"

**be Pouncival**

"You're starting to sound like me when i'm thinking."

I laugh. She laughs too.

I shift my body and hug her.

I smile. She smiles too.

"I'm sorry I said I think I love you. But sometimes... sometimes it's as simple as that."

My heart is pounding.

I lean forward.

I kiss her. She kisses me too.

...I'm really happy.

**be Tantomile**

I don't have time to respond. Suddenly he started kissing me.

And I kissed him back.

For the record, you are clearly supposed to use your tongue. It is _way _better.

...I think I might love him too.

THE.

END.

* * *

It's over.

Something struck me as I was writing this, that these two seemed so happy it would be wrong to complicate things by pressing their relationship harder, trying to force an early anything. I decided it might be better to leave some things up to the imagination – what they do next is surely their business rather than ours, anyway.

Sorry about the narrative trickery right near the end there. I was concerned that it had been ages since I had a protagonist simply lie to the reader, so there it is. Also, _taste his blood_? Seriously, no.

As far as I'm concerned, this story is quite over.

EXCEPT FOR THE EPILOGUE! WOOOOO

* * *

**Epilogue**

**be Coricopat**

"Hash...tag...yolo... what am I saying?"

I get to my feet. Yesterday was a long day of being in Etcetera's head. I am quite glad to be nowhere near any teenagers right now, especially after I sent that Tumblebrutus home. I bet his Dad was Mad! Hah! Look at that! A rhyme!

I'm concerned that I didn't sleep long enough... wait.

Why am I in Tumblebrutus' bed?

**be Skimbleshanks**

"Nnnrgggh... they were fast asleep at Crewe... and so they never knew... that I was... station... aw wee ken... nnnnnn i'm awake!"

I shoot bolt upright. First things first, am I on a train. I look out the window.

Outside is not moving. Though that is not plausible evidence that I am not on a train ow my head oh my dear sweet wee head...

"I've been havering all night long haven't I..."

**be Jennyanydots**

"Why, yes you have, dear. Poor Tumble came back last night on his own without his brother and announced that Pouncival was being held hostage by 'the evil twins'."

**be Skimbleshanks**

Hic.

**be Jennyanydots**

"That's nice, dear. Well, you went off in a flash, right to your feet, announcing that you would get him back."

I sigh.

"You got about as far as the hallway before collapsing, drunk, and decided to tell us the tale of how you once played Growltiger. As I have said to you many times before, dearest, _that was not you. _You're the one that goes on the railways.

**be Skimbleshanks**

"I know that, ken. I were just checking then that we were not on a wee train just then."

For the record, we aren't. We're in a den. Ow my head.

**be Jennyanydots**

"As I was saying. Coricopat then came in, mumbling about 'hash tags' and 'inter nets'. It was worrysome. Until he explained that Pouncival was quite safe and happy with Tantomile and that you had both over-reacted. Tumblebrutus then performed a spectacular backflip."

**be Tumblebrutus.**

Yeah it was. I'm so glad Coricopat is here. I don't know how I would have slept without someone else here to scare off all the scary monsters who live under the bed.

Also, he smells nice...

**THE END.**


End file.
